Ideas for your family mission statement

Developing a Family Mission Statement

It is critical for individuals and families to develop a vision for their future, for their reason to be. Where there is no vision, the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). Without a vision, families tend to drift and frequently disintegrate.
For over two hundred years, Americans have enjoyed the heritage and benefits of a group of men who toiled, anguished, and prayed over a document that begins with the words: "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America." The preamble to the United States Constitution is essentially a statement of mission followed by laws which help to fulfill that mission. Families can benefit by developing a mission statement too.

THE NEED FOR A MISSION STATEMENT:
Developing a mission statement is essentially leadership work. We always knew the Enterprise's mission because someone back at StarFleet headquarters has made it very clear: "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."
A mission statement gives us a vision of what is to be created. In a family it guides the creation of the family climate. As Stephen Covey says, "The whole family can begin with the end in mind, a common purpose, a common vision."
Just as our national constitution provides us with a deep sense of order and security (even though we may rarely stop to think about it), a simple mission statement can unite a home around certain fundamental principles. Having a written, objective set of standards greatly contributes to a family's peace, harmony, and security.

WHAT IS A FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT?
A mission statement answers these questions: What is it, Lord, that You would like us to accomplish as a family? Lord, what kind of a family do you want? We know that our time together on this earth is limited. We know that You have a plan for us. What do You want us to do specifically? How would we define our unique family mission in life?

EXAMPLES OF FAMILY MISSION STATEMENTS:
Lamech: Genesis 4:19-24. (This mission statement led to the judgment of the world by flood.) Abraham: Genesis 18:19 (Abraham's family mission statement was given to him by God).
Jacob: Genesis 35:1-5 (This is a weak statement).
Caleb: Numbers 14:24; Deuteronomy 1:36; Joshua 14:6-12; Judges 1:11-13 (given to him by God).
Joshua: Joshua 24:15 (Good strong family mission statement).
David: 1 Kings 2:1-4 (David's Covenant).
Stephanus: 1 Corinthians 16:15.
Gary Smalley's family: "We dedicate our family to the task of enriching other families."
"Our family goal is to enrich other people's lives through physical healing."
"Our family goal is to raise money for Christian organizations to further God's building of His kingdom."
"The mission of our family is to help foreign missionaries spread the gospel to all of the world."
"We devote our family to neighborhood evangelism."
"God has called our family to demonstrate unconditional love to each other and to other people around us."
Stephen Covey's family: "The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of faith, order, truth , love, happiness, and relaxation and to provide opportunity for each individual to become responsibly independent and effectively interdependent in order to serve worthy purposes in society through understanding and living the gospel of Jesus Christ."[Note the four parts: The characteristics of the home, the effect upon the individual persons, our real purpose, the ultimate source of the power.]

GUIDELINES FOR DEVELOPING A FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT:
Mission statements should be timeless.
The best mission statements deal with both ends and means.
Every member of the family should participate. Even if your children are younger, you can still start using this "family constitution" method. Just keep the mission simple and full of pictures.
You don't invent your family mission. You detect it. You uncover it. Each family possesses special gifts, unique qualities, and characteristics. These are clues that God gives you to your family mission statement. Ask God to reveal your unique family mission.

PROBLEMS THAT OCCUR WITH MISSION STATEMENTS:
They are rushed. - Developing a mission statement is a process, not an event.
They are announced. - "This is what our mission will be."
They are forgotten. - If this happens, they lose their power to affect change.

BENEFITS OF A FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT:
A family mission statement will free you from the tyranny of other people and life's circumstances. If you don't have a clearly-defined direction as a family, other people or the crush of life's circumstances will tend to set direction for you. You will find yourself the slave of other people and circumstances. -- Example: The kids get involved in too many sports and clubs -- mom and dad begin to feel like the taxi service family -- the family learns to say, "No! That does not contribute to our mission."
A good mission statement will define and motivate. It will be God's means to create a unique household. -- Statements (words) have the power to motivate, to bring growth, change, and realization of a vision.
The reason most families split up is because they do not share a common vision. Since each of the family members participate in the creation of the mission statement, the process of making a mission statement will draw your family together. "This is our vision. We share it. This is why we exist as a family." -- Society is tearing the family apart. We must confront division with "NO! We have a unique purpose for being together!"
A family mission statement will affect your personal inner life, your heart. As you go through the process of developing a mission statement, you will absorb your mission statement. It will cause you to personally reexamine your motives, attitudes, and behaviors.
A family mission statement will become the policeman in your home. -- Even the simplest statement will become a patrolman, but you can also develop your mission statement into a family constitution.

GUIDELINES FOR FORMING A MISSION STATEMENT:
Gather Information -- brainstorm, do some greenlight thinking. Otter personalities in the family like this.
Organize -- categorize your ideas. Beaver personalities delight in this.
Analyze -- "How practical is that? Does that fit?" Golden Retriever personalities enjoy this, since it takes each member into consideration and promotes harmony.
Limit -- "Can't live with that one." " We don't have the gifts or resources to do that." Lion personalities like the bottom-line mentality.
Start - Start using your family mission statement.

HOW TO GET THE MOST BENEFIT FROM A FAMILY MISSIONS STATEMENT:
Post it in a prominent place. -- Our family mission statement is posted right by the front door of our home.
Examine yourselves against it in your weekly family meetings. A church planting pastor once told me: "You must mention your purpose and vision at least every three weeks." Many of us can quote Star Trek's mission statement because it was repeated at the beginning of every episode. Repeat your family mission and examine yourself against it often.
Memorize it. -- Constant repetition will make this easy.

http://www.new-life.net/parent04.htm

Writing your family mission statement

The Family Mission Statement
ByJay Davidson

What are the values that your family holds? Taking time to think and talk about them is a way for parents to convey them to their children. This communication also engenders a sense of belonging to the group, as all the members work toward the same goals.
An effective way to work on this would be the following process:
The parents talk between themselves about what is important to them.
The parents tell their children about these values.
The entire family discusses the values so that everyone understands them.
The parents guide all family members to make sure that actions match the stated values.
Once the parents have decided that this is an approach they want to take, they tell their children and have a family discussion about it, possibly at the dinner table. They help the children to understand what the benefits are when all members of the family do this.
To enforce the importance of this statement, they could: have a set dinner time, ask for children’s suggestions in planning the meal, find ways for children to help with meal preparation, and be sure to include all family members in table discussions.
If they put their efforts toward making this an enjoyable time for family members to share each other’s company and gather family solidarity from it, then the children will continue to value the time together.
The family mission statement can cover a wide diversity of values to be decided, first by the parents and then by all members. Consider any of these topics for inclusion in yours:
the way money will be saved and spent
the importance of education
the amount of family time you will spend together
the importance of activities outside the home and school
the responsibilities each member of the family will have toward maintaining the household
Following are some guiding points that may help you toward creating your family’s mission statement:
Both parents need to agree before bringing the points to the children.
It is critical that the children see both parents present a united perspective. Children will recognize when there is weakness coming from one of the parents or discord between them.
The family is not a democracy.
Parents have the power, the experience, and the wisdom. The family is not a structure of one person/one vote. Your children are not consultants; they do not have the ability to see the big picture.
Express your statements by saying what you want -- not what you don’t want.
Make your statements in positive terms. Instead of saying, “We don’t call each other names,” say, “We call people by their given names.” Instead of saying, “We don’t hit or kick each other,” say, “We keep our hands, feet, and objects to ourselves.”
Explain your values by giving lots of examples to support each statement.
The more examples you can give to support your statements, the easier it will be for the children -- especially the younger ones -- to understand what you are talking about. If part of your mission statement is, “Education is important in our family,” your examples might include these supporting statements:
We cooperate with the teachers at school.
We do all our homework.
We ask for help when we need it.
We attend school events such as the science fair, book fair, and the school play.
Parents attend at least two PTA meetings a year.
We do homework before we play.
We limit television and video watching to weekends, with a maximum of two hours every weekend.
We go to the library every week to check out books.
We save 20% of all money gifts for college
Keep in mind that the earlier these values are discussed and established within the family, the easier they will be able to follow as children grow into their teenage years.

Remarriage later in life

The Frustration of Developing a Mature Relationship Later in Life

by Mark Gungor on November 4th, 2008

Every married couple looks forward to having a stable, secure and mature relationship. A relationship where difficult issues have been resolved (or at least agreed to not resolve them), where the understanding and rules of the relationship have been firmly established and where both parties feel secure and understood. Unfortunately, there is one ingredient that is essential for a relationship to become a mature relationship and that is this: time.
Even if you do everything right, time is the only way to grow your relationship from a weak, immature one to a solid, mature one. This can be particularly frustrating for couples who are marrying or re-marrying late in life. If you are in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s, you undoubtedly have achieved a great degree of maturity in your personal life. You now have found that special other person, fallen in love and tied the knot. You look around yourself you see that many of your friends who are in the same age bracket have wonderful marriages that are secure and mature. You also assume that, since you are of a mature age, you too should have a mature relationship, yet yours seems to be a continual struggle. You ask yourself “We are grown adults, why do we struggle so?” or “Why do my friends seem to get along so good in their relationships but we are so frustrated?” I’ll tell you why: because your marriage is only a few years old while those in your age bracket have been married for 20, 25 and 30+ years.

You somehow believe that since you are both mature adults you should be able to fast track your relationship into the mature type of marriages you see in those around you, but you are not being realistic. It doesn’t matter how old YOU are – your relationship is just a few years old. In fact, one of the great struggles of getting married later in life is that even though you may be 47 years old, after just a few years of marriage you will have the relationship of a 20 something year old who just got married - and that can be very frustrating. It’s one thing to have a marriage of a 20 year old when you are 20. Its quite another to have the marriage of a 20 year old when you are pushing 50. And the truth is, the 20-something year olds are likely to be able to adapt to their marriage problems more easily than the 50-something year olds. What can you do?

First of all, you have to adjust your expectations. The only way you will have the marriage of a couple who has been married for 30 years is to stay married for 30 years – period. Just get used to that fact.

Secondly, stop comparing your marriage with those 30 year old marriages around you. Sure, they are the same age as you, but their relationship is a lot older than yours and there is just no way you can compete with that. It would be like being 50 and comparing your body to that of an 18 year old. I don’t care how much you work, cry and pray you will never have the body of an 18 year old again. Such comparisons are only likely to create a sense of depression. So, too, when you compare your marriage to those of your peers who have been married a long time.

When you marry later in life, it may seem like the one thing you don’t have is time, but like with a fine wine, time is the only way you can get what you truly want. So get as comfortable as you can with the notion that you are 53 and have the marriage of a 21 year old. Realize that staring at the water won’t make it boil any faster and sit back and allow what years you do have together to sweeten your relationship. And stop comparing your 5 year marriage to your friends who have been married for 35 years. Finally, be thankful to God for the relationship you do have (you could be alone). Enjoy what you have and let patience have her perfect work in you. Time is too valuable to waste while wishing that things were different.

Honest Dating: Considering the Past

by Mark Gungor on February 13th, 2009

Here’s a familiar scenario: a woman is dating a guy and thinks, “Ok, so he has A-B-C-D going on and he’s a bum, but I love him.” Then she marries him and in the not-too-distant future she becomes…well, miserable. She’ll then come to someone like me for counseling. I often ask, “You didn’t see this before you were married?” Then she’ll tell me, “Yes, but I thought I could change him.”

I think a lot of people are not being totally honest during the dating process. Or many feel obligated to follow through with a relationship just because they have been dating for a while, even though they may have some strong reservations. But if you are struggling with any aspect of who a person is, you probably need to look at that as a red flag. Ultimately, that is what the dating process is for - to decide, based on what you have learned, whether or not to marry that person.

As people of the Christian faith - a faith the stresses hope for our future, despite the failings of our past - we oftentimes deliberately ignore a person’s past when deciding on a mate. And while everyone makes mistakes, some mistakes have consequences and ramifications that can follow us for the rest of our lives. Granted, God doesn’t hold our past mistakes against us if we come to him in true repentance, but those mistakes can still have consequences that may negatively affect our future relationships, particularly in our marriage.

The dating process should be a time of discovery and analysis as to whether or not a certain person would make a good lifetime mate. And make no mistake about it - a person’s history can be a major factor in determining how they will handle their future relationships. But because of our belief in forgiveness of the sins of the past, many Christian couples fail to factor history into their mating decisions. The wise seeker of a mate, however, would do well to look into the history of their potential spouse. And doing so is not unfair, nor is it un-Christian.

I counsel people all the time who struggle with issues that go back to their past. For example: situations where a woman feel like her husband is using her for sex now because of all the other guys in her past who did. That is something he should have learned about during the dating process. If you can’t walk those kinds of things out when you are dating a person, if you can’t carry that heavy load, then let them go so they can find someone who can. There are very wonderful, compassionate and kind people who have been gifted by God to do just that. People who can say, “I will love you, cherish you, and take care of you no matter what.” God can give people great gifts of compassion or encouragement or mercy. It doesn’t mean that those who don’t have those gifts are bad people. It just makes you honest when you realize that you aren’t comfortable in dealing with the baggage of someone’s past.

Let’s say you learn the person you are dating has a past record of shoplifting. You may wonder what values that person grew up with that allowed them to make a decision like that. Knowing the choices they’ve made in the past, you may not want to continue on in the relationship - and that, in my opinion, is fair. The dating process is about finding out about someone, the choices they’ve made and who they are.

You may say, “But what about forgiveness?!” It’s not about refusing to forgive a person’s shortcomings or judging someone harshly for their mistakes. You can forgive them (God certainly does), but it doesn’t mean you have to marry them. Remember, the dating process is really about looking at the person as a whole and thinking-yes, I am very comfortable with who this person is, or no, I’m not.

Let’s say your girlfriend tells you that she had an abortion three or four years ago. If you truly believe this is something you can deal with and you are able to love and cherish this woman and help her with the emotional and physical effects of this, then great! If, on the other hand, you struggle with some things in her character that allowed her to make that decision or you are concerned about the emotional and possible physical issues that may result, you have every right to move on. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you honest. It’s better to decide now, before you are married, than to have great difficulty with it afterwards. Once you say, “I do”, it’s a whole different ball game - you’re in for life. But it is OK to move on in the dating process. Remember: that is what the dating process is for. Besides, it would be better for her to find someone whom God has gifted to be able to handle her past.

Maybe your special “someone” tells you that they have a sexually transmitted disease - one that you too will get once you marry them. Now’s the time to walk away if that is something you don’t want to live with.

It could be simpler things like… his family is gross. Maybe her father drives you crazy. You might see a problem in how her mother treats her father-which could be an indicator of how their daughter will treat you. Now is the time to walk away.

Some could be more difficult issues like sexual abuse, addictions to alcohol or pornography. These kinds of issues are all fair game during the discovery process of dating - again, that’s part of what dating is about. You get to analyze the situation and view the person as a whole and see if you can handle all that goes with taking this person as your spouse.

It is imperative that men and women are totally honest with each other during the dating process. These types of things should be revealed at the front end. It’s not fair to be 18 months, two years, or five years into a marriage and for your spouse to be struggling with issues they didn’t even know existed in you. You must be honest with each other during the dating process. If someone does not feel they can handle certain baggage, best that they move on.

What they should not do is drag that person along for months or even years if they have some serious reservations. It’s not fair to the other person. You have to be willing to let him/her go so they can find someone who can deal with who they are - past and all. People will say, “I really love her/him. How can I just walk away?” But if you have serious reservations about the marriage, the most loving thing you can do is let them go. It’s not fair to keep stringing another person along, wondering if you can or can’t handle all of their issues.

The Foundation of Your New Marriage

Both the Marriage and the Kids

By Ron L. Deal But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac. The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son." (Genesis 21:9-11) God's design for the family begins with marriage laying the foundation for the home. But stepfamilies are at a disadvantage when they begin because the couple isn’t the foundation. Because parent-child relationships predate the new marriage and are bonded by blood, history, and family identity, the marital relationship is often a secondary relationship in the home instead of the foundational one. Unless your marriage becomes primary, you will continue to experience distress and instability in your home. "Wait a minute," said Carrie. "You mean I have to put my husband before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood. He's just someone I picked up alongside the road somewhere." Her tongue-in-cheek comment reminds me of the stepfather who complained that after two years of marriage he still rides in the back-seat of the car while his wife’s children take turns riding in the front. The process of establishing the couple as the foundation relationship of the home can feel like a win-lose situation for biological parents and children. It’s not. It’s a matter of significance. Not that a spouse matters more than children, but rather that the marriage matters more to the stability of the home, than do children. In fact, a healthy marriage as the foundational relationship of the home means safety and protection for children. Children will never suffer neglect because their biological parent makes a strong commitment to their spouse, the stepparent. Couples in biological families where the marriage preceded children naturally sit “in the front seat” with one another yet still make plenty of personal sacrifices on behalf of their children and focus much of their time nurturing and raising their children. Even still the couple maintains their first-love commitment to one another. Again, this provides for children a healthy, loving environment in which to grow. A similar balance is healthy in stepfamilies. That is, biological parents don’t have to choose between their spouse and children, they choose both their spouse and their children when they give primary significance to the marriage. Placing your spouse in the “front seat of your heart” is good for your children, too. Barriers to Overcome Managing this dynamic in a stepfamily is easier said than done. There are a number of barriers to overcome. Paralyzing Guilt. "I can't do that to my kids. I don't ever want them to think I love him more than I love them." Children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce. If the biological parent blames themselves and feels a great deal of sympathy for the child, they may try to protect their children from future stress or feeling unloved. If a parent becomes paralyzed by this guilt, there is a huge temptation to coddle or side with the child against the stepparent. Unfortunately this both discourages the child to move past their sadness (why stop grieving when it rewards you?) and steals the stepparent’s authority with the child. Parents cannot afford to allow their own guilt to keep them paralyzed. Refusing to Take Risks. Biological parents must take whatever risks necessary in order to move their spouse into a place of priority. Children sometimes threaten to spend more time at the other home, or protest changes in the home with anger, or close themselves off to a relationship with the stepparent as a way of discouraging their parent from investing in the marriage. Even then, biological parents must be willing to take a few risks in order to move the marriage to a place of priority. A Stepparent’s Misstep This dynamic coin has another side. Biological parents feel resentful when stepparents push them away from their children. Like Sarah insisting that Abraham disengage from his son Ishmael, stepparents who repeatedly turn everyday circumstances into a “me or them” decision inadvertently push their spouse into a defensive posture in support of their children. This is nothing but trouble. Stepparents cannot afford to put themselves in competition with their stepchildren, but instead should support their spouse’s relationship with their children. Moving Your Marriage into the Front Seat How can couples establish their relationship as the foundation of the home when children preceded the marriage? Here are some practical tips: Set a regular date night and keep it. Prioritizing time for one anther helps children see the importance you place on your relationship. Children, of course, will get plenty of your time and energy so make sure you find time to nurture your marriage as well. Bio parents should strive to trust the heart of their spouse (stepparent). Assume they have good-will toward your child even if they complain about them. Strive to give the stepparent equal say in parenting decisions; be a team. Support your spouse in front of your children. Back up their parenting actions and insist that children respect their stepparent. Affirm your commitment “out loud”. Verbally expressing love to one another in front of the children, hugging in plain site, and talking about your future together reinforce the permanency of your marriage. Stepparents should insist “out loud” that their spouse spend special time with their biological children. This communicates that you are not in competition with them. Bio parents: spend one-on-one time with your kids and remain involved in their activities. This reinforces that they haven’t “lost” you and paradoxically makes their acceptance of your marriage easier. When children shows signs of stress or anxiety as you “move your spouse into the front seat of your heart”, be sympathetic, but don’t let them guilt you into taking their side. Just because children hand you a ticket for a guilt-trip doesn’t mean you have to go for the ride! When children challenge the role of the stepparent, respond firmly and with compassion. “You’re just changing the rule because she wants you to,” is a common complaint. Acknowledge the child’s confusion and move forward. “You’re right. Things are different now that Linda and I parent together. And you know if I were you, I’d be upset about this, too. But this is the new rule and I’m in agreement with it, so please abide by it. Let’s go.”